"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
George Burns.
"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
Woody Allen
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
Groucho Marx
"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness."
Oscar Wilde
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying."
Woody Allen
"So my choice is 'Or Death?'."
Eddie Izzard
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
Groucho Marx
"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
Johnny Carson.
"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
Emo Philips
"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love."
Woody Allen
"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
Emo Philips
"Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions."
Woody Allen
"The labour Party has lost the last four elections. If they lose another, they get to keep the liberal party."
Clive Anderson.
"If the word 'No' was removed from the English language, Ian Paisley would be speechless"
John Hume.
"I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end."
Margaret Thatcher.
"Harold Wilson is going around the country stirring up apathy."
William Whitelaw.
"I don't know what I would do without Whitelaw. Everyone should have a Willy."
Margaret Thatcher.
"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity."
Benjamin Disraeli.
"I have no interest in sailing around the world. Not that there is any lack of requests for me to do so."
Edward Heath.
"The Labour Party's election manifesto is the longest suicide note in history."
Greg Knight.
"At every crisis the Kaiser crumpled. In defeat he fled; in revolution he abdicated; in exile he remarried."
Winston Churchill.
"The British Secret Service was staffed at one point almost entirely by alcoholic homosexuals working for the KGB."
Clive James.