An up-dated version of what might happen if the Battle of Trafalgar were to be fought now, under current PC rules!
Nelson: " Order the signal, Hardy. "
Hardy: " Aye, aye sir. "
Nelson: " Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this? "
Hardy: " Sorry sir? "
Nelson (reading aloud): " 'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' What gobbledygook is this? "
Hardy: " Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist. "
Nelson: " Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco. "
Hardy: " Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments. "
Nelson: " In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle. "
Hardy: " The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking. "
Nelson: " Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it........ full sail and full speed ahead. "
Hardy: " I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water. "
Nelson: " Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please. "
Hardy: " That won't be possible, sir. "
Nelson: " What? "
Hardy: " Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected. "
Nelson: " Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy. "
Hardy: " He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral. "
Nelson: " Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd. "
Hardy: " Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled. "
Nelson: " Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card. "
Hardy: " Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency. "
Nelson: " Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons. "
Hardy: " A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts? "
Nelson: " I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy. "
Hardy: " The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral. "
Nelson: " What? This is mutiny! "
Hardy: " It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks. "
Nelson: " Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish? "
Hardy: " Actually, sir, we're not. "
Nelson: " We're not? "
Hardy: " No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation. "
Nelson: " But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil. "
Hardy: " I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that, sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report. "
Nelson: " You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King. "
Hardy: " Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life. "
Nelson: " Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash? "
Hardy: " As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment. "
Nelson: " What about sodomy? "
Hardy: " I believe that is now legal, sir. "
Nelson: " In that case ....kiss me, Hardy. "
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